I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
