Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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