All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
