I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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