if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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