remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
