my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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