I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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