"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
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I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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