My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize