you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
