And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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