just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
How external is "for external use only"?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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