i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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