I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What a dumb baby whore.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
