Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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