I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
3 2 1 whiskey
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
