That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
