apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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