it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
