What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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