Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
