I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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