he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
