So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
