Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
