If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
