Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
