Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
