Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
