We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.