My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."