my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
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Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight