Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize