omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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