My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
