why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
