I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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