Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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