Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
