He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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