apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
