Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
