my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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