Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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