in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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