Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
