so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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