two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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