You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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