Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
