Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
