Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
