i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
