I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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