He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
