Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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