I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
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I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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