I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
